As you can see from the image above (stolen from Kotaku), Americans have apparently demanded a dumber, lazier keyboard to help facilitate this already overly persistent Internet lingo that has given us such imaginatively constructed “words” such as “TTYL” and “BRB.”
Well, luckily for consumers, Fast Finger Keyboards has debuted its official hyper-ergonomic/brain dead keyboard that switches between alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts and contains such highly necessary everyday initialisms such as “BTW.”
[Note from the grammar ninja: "BTW" is not an acronym. To quote the immortal words of the ultimate grammar policeman, George Carlin: "An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They're just pricks."]
Yes, thanks to Fast Finger Keyboards, now you too can kill brain cells by typing “lol” with a single keystroke. Much like the word “you,” which evidently contains two too-many letters for the majority of cell phone owners, “lol” needed to be shortened to some retarded form of “internet shorthand” (as evidenced by “u” being frequently substituted for “you”). But since that backfired, keyboard engineers simply reduced the number of keystrokes required to “lol,” increasing speed, efficiency and productivity in daily loling activities.
Not to be outdone by this stunning contribution to the further degradation of the English language, I have designed my own patented ULTIMATE PWNAGE keyboard which not only offers both alphabetical and QWERTY-style layouts, but contains a built-in infra red sensor beam (like those found on your typical high-end public toilets) that detects whether your bedroom door is being unceremoniously opened without your approval and instantly closes your porn-viewing tabs before your wife/girlfriend/mom/Aunt Bertha scares the hell out you by screaming “That’s not what nurses are supposed to do!”
Additionally, the F1 through F12 keys will support the following ergonomic features:
F1 generates a random Chuck Norris joke in every available MMORPG chat channel. F2 contains a rapid-fire turbo feature that transforms your squat/sit button into instant, high-speed teabagging controls. F3 posts a random picture of Mr. T. F4 embeds your forum signature with an ascii-based image of Wacko Jacko beating the shit out of a parked car at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video. F5 links to this video of Steven Seagal saying “I’m going to take you to the bank, senator Trent. To the blood bank.” F6 does the Mario. F7 recites George Carlin’s seven dirty words you can’t say on television – seven times. F8 links to this video of Tommy Davidson from In Living Color spoofing Wacko Jacko beating the shit out a parked at the end of the original 1991 Black or White music video. F9 translates your sentences into Australian. F10 teaches you French with the special Groundkeeper Willie-edition of Rosetta Stone. F11 queues an audio clip of Paul Hogan to tell your Modern Warfare 2 opponents “That’s not a knife.“ F12 does nothing noticeable at first, then gives you herpes two days later.
We get a lot of press releases sent to us. Myself, it’s not unusual to see near a hundred of them hit my inbox in a day. With that much competition, its hard to capture our attention. But when I glimpsed an email saying that development studio “Bloober Team” is announcing the first title being developed exclusively for the iPad, and their calling it “Gender Wars: The Battle”, I couldn’t help but sit up and take notice. When I then read that the lead designer described the game like this,
“In a way, and I understand that it’s bit bold to say, we would like to create something similar to Metal Gear Solid for iPad.”
I start to scratch my head and a confused look passes over my face. Gender Wars? Solid Snake?
But it doesn’t end there so I am posting the original press release in full (minus legally sensitive info, of course) after the break so you can read it for yourself. It’s one of the stranger ones we have ever come across and was either written by some kind of genius, or someone on acid. We’ve also posted the game’s sole screenshot to be released so far. (For those not sure about clicking through, the screenshot does not contain any images of Gender-specific anatomical parts battling it out.)
Here are both the screenshot and the press release:
Well, not really, but I’ll play along with this beautifully accomplished hoax. A lot of work and coordination must have gone into producing this video, but the result speaks for itself. How many people will be suckered into believing this is real?
With the Consumer Electronics Show in full-swing, one thing has become crystal clear: the electronics industry is hell-bent on making consumers look like complete tools by the end of the year. By “tool” I mean, “Who is that dork sitting on the sofa wearing the nerdy 3D glasses?”
3D TVs are all the rage. Every major television manufacturer, and a few minor ones, are jumping on the bandwagon without hesitation. ESPN and DirecTV have both announced imminent, full-time 3D channels. Sony has finalized their specifications for 3D Blu-Ray and the industry will have the home version of Avatar to use as consumer-bait.
But…we’re still going to look like complete tools with our 3D glasses.
Is this really what the consumers wants? Probably not. I think it is safe to say we want 3D without the frickin’ glasses. It’s not just the aesthetic-hit your once macho appearance will take, but the real, cold hard facts of reality that will take its toll. WTF am I talking about?
I’m talking about your dog munching on your beloved pair of 3D glasses while you are at work. I am talking about your rug-rat kids bending, throwing, playing and breaking your 3D glasses. I am talking about your 3D glasses disappearing under the sofa or between the cushions. I am talking about your big, fast ass sitting down hard on that pair of 3D glasses.
3D glasses only work in theory and the safety of an IMAX theater. All other locations will spell constant hassle and small-scale disasters.
Hence, this brave new world they want us so desperately to enter will only work sans glasses.
Beyond the hurdles of every-day life we have the tech itself. Everything on display at CES is first-generation technology without a unified standard. Early-adopters will undoubtedly be screwed by the time the second generation is greatly improved and enhanced. The 3D TV you buy today could be tomorrow’s HD-DVD.
So wait. Be patient. What is available now will be considered garbage by CES 2011, a date that will hopefully see a whole new generation of 3D that can be attained without glasses and the punishing hit to your fashion sense.
Being a bit of a Sci-Fi nerd (or is it Sy-Fy now?) , the few friends I have managed to accumulate over the years tend to have similar interests, and whenever a few of us get together one area of disagreement tends to rear it’s ugly head more often then others — Which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars?
While I haven’t discovered anything that gives a definitive answer to which is better, I have come across the answer to which is bigger.Someone named Dan Carlson went to the trouble of compiling an image that features ships from both universes to scale with 1 pixel = 10 meters. Apparently with little else to do in his life, he also added ships from almost every other Science Fiction property that made its way into television and film including things as obscure Lexx and Space: Above and Beyond.
So if size matters (and all Carlson’s distances are accurate), it looks like the Star Wars fans have something to brag about due to the incredible length of the Executor class Destroyer. (Star Trek fans can salvage some pride if they point to the Earth Spacedock and try to make the girth arguement however.) Unfortunately this area of comparison may only start up another bitter debate, especially if one subscribes to the theory that guys with big trucks (or space ships) are only trying to compensate for a deficiency in something else.
So what are you trying to draw attention away from, Star Wars fans? Do you have a little anxiety about your Light Sabers?
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